Suspicion & Protectiveness
by SiriRemi
Summary: SiriusRemus(mild) Through his apology to James on the night when Harry saved him from the dementors, Sirius revealed why he didn't tell Remus about the twisting of Secret-Keeper, not the traditional suspecting thing- read to find out.


Author's Note: On the night Sirius escaped from the dementors, he thought about the _real _reason why he didn't tell Remus about the twist. SiriRemi  
  


  
Sirius's POV

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I suddenly realized I'm not so important being one of the living things 

I cannot bring this world a change not even to myself 

I mistook you for my best friend and now there's no turning back 

What you hear is not the truth, but I hope you still believe this falsehood  
  
=====  
  
The moon was shining peacefully while the stars blinked their sparkling eyes furiously outside. They seemed to be ignorant of the significance of that particular night. The midnight blue starry sky would be really gorgeous if only the full moon came late for once. The surrounding was ever so quiet that one can almost hear his own thoughts.  
  
There I am, alone in a cave I am only too familiar of. James, I owe you _too_ much. You once again saved me when I was hopeless.  
  
I could make out the outline of a beautiful stag on the ground earlier tonight, it has to be you, I know you live in Harry. But I failed to revenge on Peter for you. How can I ever repay you?  
  
Can you remember? This is the cave where we had sworn our loyalty for each other secretly before we graduated.  
  
'I, James Potter, best friend of Sirius Black, swear I'll never hurt him, but love him forever, as a friend of course, and share with him what he wants, _whatever_ he wants, with all my might,' you had yelled out loud proudly, with your usual conceited grin.  
  
What you yelled nearly made me shiver; it's more like some silly romantic promises between a dating sweet couple. But I loved it nonetheless.  
  
'That's my turn,' I shouted impatiently once you had finished, 'I, Sirius Black, best friend of James Potter, swear that I, too, will never hurt him, nor will I let anyone insult him, but protect him by any means, _any _means at all, and I'll be totally loyal to him till the end of my life.' I grinned back excitedly to you from ear to ear with equivalent dignity.  
  
I might have appeared as if I didn't care a single thing seriously. But _please_ believe me, I did, I have always cared, for you were, and you still are, my best friend.  
  
I really appreciated your swear sincerely deep inside my heart, I didn't tell you because I was an _idiot_ at handling my feelings, but I know you understood.  
  
You had understood me more than anyone.   
  
You couldn't possibly guess how much I valued our friendship. You gave me the brotherliness that I had not precisely dreamt of, let alone possessed of. You cheered me up when I was feeling blue. You calmed me down when I was angry. You shared your family with me when I had lost mine.  
  
You provided me everything I wanted, whatever I wanted. You kept your promise.  
  
But I _ate_ my words.  
  


I didn't protect you, not by any means at least. I made too much _mistakes_ in my life.   
  
As much as I hate to admit, I was a bloody coward, I was not qualified to be a true Gryffindor whom I had always been proud of being.  
  
When I learnt that Lord Voldemort was after you, Lily and little Harry, I vowed to myself I was to protect your family with any cost. I could not live without you, I could not lose you, my dear friend.   
  
But during that dark decade of wars and destructiveness, how could I, Sirius Black, prevent you from the cruel wand of Lord Voldemort, the most evil wizard who has _ever_ existed?  
  
There were just too much of his supporters out there, known and disguised. They were taking over everywhere whereas we, the Order members were picked up one by one mercilessly.  
  
I knew my help, my loyalty was counted for nothing physically, but I was delighted that you and Lily esteemed it.  
  
We had tried everything to hide you and your family from Voldemort, yet we did not seem to be succeeding. It was as though someone was feeding the dark side with information.  
  
Days passed slowly in misery and anxiety. Finally, the day came. Professor Dumbledore expressed his suspicion to us. It was said that someone on our side had turned traitor and was passing a lot of information to Voldemort.  
  
Then, Dumbledore suggested using the Fidelius Charm to protect your three. It involves the magical concealment of a secret inside a single, living soul.  
  
As long as the Secret-Keeper refused to speak, Voldemort could search the village you, Lily and Harry were staying for years and never find you.  
  
From the moment Dumbledore had suggested it, I was quite sure that you would accept him as your Secret-Keeper, as he had offered to be.  
  
But you _refused_.  
  
You and Lily insisted on using me, you two told Dumbledore that I would _rather_ die than tell where you were.  
  
Yes, _indeed_, I would rather die than betray my dear friends, any of my friends, especially you and Lily.  
  
How _much_ you and Lily's trust meant to me, you could never estimate.   
  
Your genuine glints in the eyes which were so full of confidence, the certainty in your voice, the inexpressible agreement between us were all that mattered to me.  
  
You shouldn't have ask whether I wanted to be your Secret-Keeper, Prongs. I was only more than consenting to be.  
  
I was only too pleased, you should have known.  
  
However, the news that I was appointed your Secret-Keeper traveled quickly like a bullet among our side. The concealed spy must have known, too.  
  
I was cornered on my way back from my auror work the next day after the charm had been performed. I survived, but for the first ever time in my fearless life,_ I panicked._  
  
I was not afraid to die for you, I was dread to lose you, you lots were too important to me. On that very night, I did some solemn thinking.  
  
Of course, I would never doubt my loyalty for you, for I was gratified to die before I betray you. Nevertheless, I didn't know how the charm works.  
  
I just know that Voldemort could not read it from my mind. But would I speak aloud your whereabouts after I was forced to drink the Veritaserum? Would the charm immediately wear away if I were killed? I did not know.  
  
I destined to protect you from any danger, no matter I was alive or dead.  
  
Then, an idea hit me _hard_.  
  
We could change the Secret-Keeper. Veritaserum would have no use on me if I were not the one. If done secretly enough, _no one_ would know the Secret- Keeper had been swapped.  
  
It was in fact a favorable circumstance, I finally concluded. When everyone knew that Sirius Black was the one, I could create a _bluff_. Voldemort would be sure to come after me, would never dream you had twisted to use another one to be your Secret-Keeper.  
  
A _prefect_ plan.  
  
I went to your hiding place to discuss with you and Lily. I could see the visible furrows between your brows when you and Lily were listening to me.  
  
'But Voldemort has mastered Legilimency, he can read minds. He can read from your mind that you're not the one. He and the death-eaters will _kill_ you instantly when he knows the fact, Sirius.' Lily stared at me, her emerald eyes twinkling with worry.  
  
Didn't you two understand? You two and Harry meant more than my life, how many times did I need to repeat it?   
  
'Never you mind, what it matters is _your _safety.' I said in a tone suggesting I was not going to accept any denial.  
  
James nudged my shoulder appreciatively with an unconvincing beam. I could tell that he was still concerned about me.  
  
'Then who should we use? _Remus_?'  
  
I hesitated, Remus was the first to come up in my mind, too. But no, I was not going to let Moony to take any risk. In case, that's _impossible_, but just in case.should Voldemort eventually discovered our plot, the real Secret-Keeper would be in mortal danger.  
  
We knew Remus too well, he, liked me, would agree to take up the role the second you asked him. He might look fragile on the shell, but he wouldn't have thought twice before he decided to help his friends.  
  
That's why I didn't tell him about my plan. I knew he would attempt to get the fatal job.  
  
James, I didn't mind die protecting you and Lily, but Remus? That's_ another _story.  
  
Ultimately, I realized I was not almighty. Even when dealing with you and Lily, I was sometimes selfish. I had something reserved that I was not willing to give you.  
  
'No, I suspect he is the _traitor_.'  
  
I can still remember your shocked expression, yet, I think you somehow knew the hint behind my statement.  
  
James, could you recall what you said to me on your wedding night?  
  
'If there's_ one_ thing I don't wanna give you, Padfoot, it has to be _Lily_,' you whispered to me quietly while you hold the giggling gorgeous Lily's hand tightly in yours.  
  
Then you should understand why I didn't want Remus to be your Secret- Keeper.  
  
I analyzed comprehensively how no one would think of Peter because he was weak, talentless, how Peter would be the best one for the job, how Remus was not reliable. I had made a lot of explanations.  
  
But whom was I convincing? Perhaps, it's me, _myself_.  
  
=====  
  
'He would not have told me if he _thought _I was the spy.'  
  
Remus guessed that's why I didn't tell him about the twisting. I could get a sense of bitterness in his casual tone.  
  
Remus, is this your whole conclusion? Do you _really_ believe it?  
  
Haha. Remus, if I tell you the _real _reason, it would be more impossible for you to ever forgive me.  
  
You are wrong, Remus. I didn't suspect you. While Professor Dumbledore was busy finding out the spy, I had not once suspected any of my friends, not even the vermin- Peter, let alone _you_.  
  
I had been too idealistic, I have to admit.  
  
I believed in friendships heaven-mindedly.  
  
I thought our friendship between the four of us would never change, but I was _wrong_.  
  
I was just too naive for my own sake. I was just trying to protect you. I was just.  
  
I was to blame, I was too selfish that I neglected your will. But I was just guarding my most _valuable treasure_- the person I care as much as James.  
  
I wanted to ask you how had you been, Remus, but I decided not to. It would be _painful _for me to hear.  
  
You must have been hurt to find out I was accused of betraying James and Lily. You must have had a difficult time living on your own when we were not around you.  
  
I was really a moron at handling emotions, I had never told you how much _I love you_, I didn't know how.  
  
I used my own way to express my unconditional love to you, but I didn't know my insanity would have made you so much _harm_.  
  
You may feel better for not knowing the truth, then I am not going to tell you. Believe what you think it is, Remus, even you may _hate_ me ever since.  
  
Perhaps it was a harsh punishment for my grave lack of judgment, my selfishness, that I placed my credit on a bloody traitor carelessly. I realized what I must have done.  
  
What I had considered as protectiveness had hurt many people thoroughly.  
  
Honestly, I am not to be forgiven.  
  
'Not at all, _Padfoot_, old friend,' your fantastic reply echoed in my mind.  
  
What I could see in front of me was the smiling face I had missed terribly much. You forgave me before I made any further explanations. You had regained the faith you had once had in me. I am grateful for that.  
  
_Thanks, Remus._ That's more that I can ever bargain for. _I love you._  
  
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Author's Note: I always think that Sirius is not a sickly suspicious person, so I made up a splendid excuse for him that explains why he did not tell Remus about the twisting.


End file.
